Movie Review: Men

 

Right. So after a small 4 year absence, we're back at it again with a blog style type movie review thing. Here we are in 2022. Pandemic still tippy toeing around in the shadows in some places, gas and food prices reaching new highs, and good horror movies still in short supply. Though it's only fair to say that 'good' is a pretty subjective word, as the viewer decides what makes any movie or show good. What might make me adore something might make you abhor it. 

With that little aside out of the way, I'll just start off by saying that this movie was different. It was good, but it was not your normal, run of the mill, everyday movie goer fare. Without completely pilfering a South Park joke here, be ready to see some things. Genitals to be exact, of varying shapes, sizes, and types. 

Honestly, to make it easier, here's a list that might help. 

Don't go see Men if:

• You are faint of heart, mind, or constitution.
• You dislike wieners. 
• You dislike gore.
• You require finality. (More later) 
• You require movies with bombastic soundtracks and explosive high action sequences. 

OK, so the premise of this movie is that our protagonist has just experienced a great loss in the form of the death of a spouse. To try to cleanse herself and to get away from the hustle and bustle of London for a bit, she takes a solo vacation into the British countryside for 2 weeks. Great set up so far. I likes. I likes. I am also not surprised at all that I was the only person in the theater on opening night. Had there been other people there, certain sections might have been wayyyyyy more awkward. aaaaand..... Trailer!

The first thing I noticed was this sort of sense of background dread and tension. There was very little music throughout most of the runtime, unless it was really needed and added something, so the silence almost became a character of it's own, building this tension throughout. Also, the setting was gorgeous. You've never seen so much green and purple and blue as is expressed in this version of the rolling hills of rural Brittan. It's really all just a facade though, as strange things start to happen and the story kicks into gear. 

Not going to ruin anything for anyone from a plot standpoint, but my big takeaways are that the attention to detail, the oddness of the story, and the narrative openness do the movie credit. It doesn't hurt that the last 20 minutes were absolutely bonkers, nuts, wild, and confusing. 

Overall, I thought it was great. It was inventive, visceral, and above all else, something different. The last thing we need is another Conjuring or Paranormal Activity movie to muddy the waters and incite people to tell me how those movies are amazing cinematic experiences. They're not visually compelling and thought provoking like Men. It will receive the highly coveted full shoebox of 5 out of 5, even with the influx of wieners. Give me more weird and unusual, because when I go home, I want to be thinking. Whether I'm thinking about the themes or metaphors of what just finished, or whether I'm thinking 'the f*ck was that?', I want to be thinking. Far too often, people rely on others to tell them what to say, think and feel, and with the added variety that A24 continually brings to the scene, I think that in 2022, even with 8 Conjuring movies in play with 2 more on the way, horror is in an OK place. 

Lace 'em up. 

Be good. 

Movie Review: Truth or Dare

Alright, so this one will be short and sweet. Also, it'll just be in the form of questions. This is due to the lowest common denominator style of this film. 

Do you have low standards? Like, really really low standards, to the point where you have expectations so low that anything would be OK?

You should go see Truth or Dare.

Do you dislike having small sums of money? For example, an amount around $12?

You should go see Truth or Dare.

Do you like watching horror movies that are completely devoid of any sort of horror, suspense, or terror?

You should go see Truth or Dare.

Are average sized slots of time unimportant to you? For example, say... 1 hour and 43 minutes.

You should go see Truth or Dare.

I used my MoviePass for this, which made it technically free, and I still think I need my money back. Speaking of which, if you have a participating theater near you, get a MoviePass. Don't be a fool. 

MoviePass

This gets the coveted empty shoe box. 0 out of 5. Definitely go see it if any of the above apply to you. 

Random Netflix Review: As the Light Goes Out

So it's been a while since I last posted anything. I've been out doin' thangs. Anyway, I had the idea that I would just sit down and pick a random movie from the Netflix streaming library that caught my eye as something enjoyable and then give an opinion on it.

Anyone who knows me more than in passing knows I have a penchant for international cinema. For the most part, cinema made in countries outside of the United States isn't done to just do it. For example, there aren't a lot of companies pushing out sub par sequels to franchises just so they don't lose the rights to them. I'm looking directly at you Fantastic Four.

With all of this in mind, I chose a Chinese film about firefighters. The blurb on the Netflix dashboard made it sound decent enough, and the little mini preview that the PS4 Netflix app plays got me invested. I sat in my little theater chair, popped some movie theater butter popcorn, cut out the lights and jumped right in. It's nice to see compelling movies about firefighters, who I think really don't get enough praise for their often selfless and always heroic acts. When everyone else is running out of a burning building, they're running in, and that's gotta make you tip your hat with respect on some level.

The film is called As the Light Goes Out, and it stars the versatile Nicholas Tse, who I really enjoyed in Shaolin as the evil commander,  the always dependable Simon Yam, and even has a little cameo by Jackie Chan. I'll start you out with the movie's trailer, since it sort of sets the tone. Let it be noted that the trailer is dubbed into Mandarin, and the movie itself on Netflix is a mix of Cantonese and English.

     

The movie is a lot like Backdraft, Ladder 49, and The Tower in that it pits a group of firefighters against a blaze and great perils both incendiary and interpersonal. The principal story revolves around 3 buddies named (and forgive me, but some of the characters in this movie have really weird names, so just take my word for it) Yip, Chill, and Sam. A situation occurs which drives a wedge between them and causes distrust, jealousy, and uneasiness. This sets the stage for the crux of the film, which deals with a fire at a winery that sits next to a natural gas line that starts a chain reaction fire that the guys have to tackle head on. This is made all the more difficult when a hurricane hits land at the same time causing a chaotic situation to become even more tumultuous.

I really enjoyed the visuals that came with the film. It followed the 'Make An Action Movie' script pretty well in that it had a number of striking visuals, compelling drama that kept as on the edge of my seat as my fat ass could muster, and characters that were both relatable, and believable, at least from a personality standpoint. It wasn't without flaws though, and some of the positive aspects also hovered over to the negative side. For example, while some of the action set pieces were great, it gets to a point where you go, "How many times can one building explode?" The drama was exciting and compelling, but there were cliches in every corner. That's not an inherently bad thing at all, as I really enjoyed the movie, but I figured that I would at least point it out. You'll get all of the normal action movie tropes in your 2 hour viewing. Superhuman feats, sacrifice, slow motion stuff. Probably other things that start with s. I dunno, man. I'm not an expert.

I think that even with the flaws I noticed, which were pretty rare and more nit picky than anything. I'd suggest this to anyone who isn't opposed to doing a little reading while being entertained, unless you speak Cantonese of course, in which case, dive in with both feet. The excitement, tension, effects, score and message make this an easy 4 out of 5 shoe boxes.

Movie Review: Suicide Squad

Here we are again. Time to see if the RKO the critics almost universally applied to this movie outta nowhere are just and deserving. This was supposed to get watched and reviewed yesterday, but there was some sort of free concert going on in the Aksarben Village and the parking lot, the parking garage, and the parking lot at the Baxter Arena across the street were all full. As a steadfast cinematic warrior, I decided I would buck the notion of going home, and instead find a spot, my sanity be damned. 

After about 20 minutes of driving around and looking and looking and looking and looking, I found a man getting in his car near me, so I positioned my car so he could get out, and when he pulled out we exchanged nods. I prepped to slide into that spot and go enjoy my movie.  As I began my 10 foot journey to the promised land, someone whipped in from the other side and shattered the fragile world I'd momentarily created. What once seemed so hopeful and illuminated all came crashing down in an instant. Not all heroes wear capes, but this villain for damn sure wore a yellow t-shirt. I'm not sure what he and his wife and child were doing in the village that day, but I was positive that I wished them nothing but turmoil and heartache.

I thought...  I really hope whatever they're going to do turns out bad. I hope if they're going to this concert, whatever it may be, that it starts to rain.  I hope on the way home they have car trouble. I hope they get to take a really nice vacation soon to somewhere on or near a beach, and that when they arrive, only they are afflicted by that flesh eating bacteria that's been making the rounds. I almost said something, and then I remembered a few things. 

1. I'm an adult, and adults don't do that, no matter how upsetting it is. 

2. When I yell, I tend to yell run-on sentences and what if he were an English teacher? The last thing       I need is for this morally devoid prick to judge me. (Stealing a parking place is morally wrong,           right?)

3. Sometimes when I get angry my voice can crack like a 7th grader.  That's not something that can         be allowed to happen in public. 

So rather than yelling at some dude in a parking lot in front of his family, I decided to do the next best thing.  I accepted defeat, went home, went all Ip Man on a pillow, and planned to go back the next day. That poor pillow. RIP. 

 

Professional Re-Enactment

Fast forward 24 hours to today.  Way better.  No one in my way. No concerts.  No yellow shirted, soul-less people. I've come to the conclusion after seeing this and Lights Out that either I am completely out of touch with what a 'good' movie is, or most critics are. If you recall, in my opinion, Lights Out was absolutely awful, yet critics have it sitting at 76% positive, where as Suicide Squad is sitting at 26%. To be fair, normal, non-critics have Suicide Squad at at 72% positive, so take that for what it's worth.  Suicide Squad Trailer go!

I thought it was a fun movie.  One of the things people have really chastised the DC Movie Universe for is that it wasn't very fun.  People said Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was too serious and pretty much lacking humor in every direction, which it did, but I thought it worked.  It had shortcomings too, but I don't think a lack of humor hurt it.  Suicide Squad though had a lot of humor. It was fun, exciting, colorful, and it took time to let us get to know it. 

That was a positive for me.  Clearly Deadshot and Harley Quinn were the focal points, but they took the time to introduce us to characters that many might not have known before. We got a little backstory and understanding of everyone, save one, but no spoilers here. 

While there was a lot of action, there was also a nice amount of sadness and drama.  Even a few genuine 'puppy dog eyes' moments. You're sitting there enjoying a silly, fun comic book movie, and all of the sudden, this happens. Luckily they used just the right amount and didn't overload us, since I didn't pay to see A Fault in Our Stars. 

The acting was pretty decent overall.  Will Smith was a good Deadshot, who you try to find common moral ground with, even though he is a contract killer.  Joel Kinnaman wasn't bad as the straight-as-an-arrow GI archetype. Had to include him since one of my friends would watch anything with him in it.  Jared Leto played his Dark Knight Returns inspired Joker well.  Margot Robbie was OK as Harley Quinn, even if it was a little uneven, but we'll get to that in a bit.  Hell, I could even tolerate Jay Hernandez and Jai Courtney, and combined, they've never been in anything watchable. 

Something that I found a little off-putting was some of the scenes with the Enchantress from a CGI perspective. The movie on a whole looks great. The CGI is tight and looks great, and actually, throughout most of the movie, the Enchantress CGI looks fine, but some of the later scenes really just look like they were rushed and needed some work. One other thing that I thought was a bit of a distraction was the uneven Harley Quinn voice.  At times, she just sounded crazy, which makes sense, as she's nutty, but at other times, she borrowed Arleen Sorkin's iconic voice from Batman: The Animated series. Both were fine, but swapping back and forth just seemed like more of a gotcha moment of lip service to fans and it was just distracting and inconsistent.

All in all, I really enjoyed it. The 3D presentation added a good bit of immersion as well and was worth the extra few dollars. $9 for the ticket and $12 for snacks made for a pretty cheap date, even though it was me I was taking out. At least I'm easy. Since I really don't feel like I am out of touch or off base at all, I can only assume that it's all of those professional critics that are out of touch with what makes a movie great. I'm not sure if they have film critic college, but if so, it sure seems like a waste of money. I'm going to say 4 out of 5 shoe boxes. If you disagree with me, you're probably just wrong. 

Music Video Deep Dive: I'll Make Love To You - Boyz II Me

We all remember Boyz II Men growing up.  They had those jams that rocked the middle school dances in between those awful Garth Brooks songs about having friends. I decided to sit down and take a look at one of their music videos in detail and see if I saw anything different or out of the ordinary.  First off, let's take a look at the group. 

There's 2 kinds of 90's R&B groups.  Those who dress exactly (or almost exactly) alike and those who dont.  Boyz 2 Men falls into the category of the former. Whether it's college nerds, sailors, guys who decided to wear a dress shirt and tie with jeans, or whatever else they came up with, they always had the same style.  One of my favorite things about this video is that it has a story!  Who needs a video where the group just walks around and does things while singing their songs?  NO ONE!  We want drama, intrigue (sort of) and a story. You should probably watch the video and then check back and follow along so you have a frame of reference for most of this. 

At the very beginning, we learn that Dwayne and his crew installed a state of the art security system in the very nice house of Miss. Sparks. At least, I hope it's Miss and not Mrs., or this takes us in a whole new direction. There's a definite spark(PUNS) between them. 

0:48 seconds in we see the Boyz(still not sure which 2 are men) outside the gate to Miss Sparks' mansion.  I wonder why they're there. I bet to test this new state of the art security system!

Does blurring the top and bottom fourth of the picture make it more sensual or something?

...the hell? At 0:50 they're already past the gate and at the house? I hope you didn't pay much for that security system.

I'd also like to point out that even though this is a tender love song, you don't have to dress like a sailor to pull out your dinghy

*Pause for Applause*

Everyone who ever had a portable CD player knows that you shouldn't leave the top open because dust can get in and ruin the CD player. We also know that's BS unless your house is just covered in dust. 

...Oh.

OK. OK. This is clearly the worst security system ever invented.  How did they get INSIDE the house?!  And why are they suddenly dressed for their family Easter pictures? 

How many sets of clothes do they even carry with them?

Seriously. Good Lord, man. Get a feather duster or a Swiffer or something. I. Have. Asthma.

Also, who keeps what appears to be papyrus at their work desk?

After years of trying, Hollow Man finally lands a solid blow to Wanya's face. 

There's nothing uncommon about 4 men wearing silk pajamas in a bathroom singing about banging chicks. That seems like something that would get you put on some sort of list. 

Anyone have a red flag we could place here? Also, 4. 4 sets of clothes.

Bitches love plagiarism

"Baby, I love you. Open bracket Chorus close bracket"

Warming up for later when this genius plan fails miserably

Just don't look me in the eyes.

Alright. So plagiarism, stalking, breach of client privacy, business conduct violations, and now... trespassing.

*whispers* I know your code. (No really. Watch the beginning. He says that to her)

Miss Sparks must love reading the letter during this part of the song (because song lyrics)

She's all, "I really feel what he's trying to say when I read 'EeeeeeiieeeehheeiihheeihehhEHHHHHHohehhhhh'."

Oh thank God.  It was all a dream. No security system could be that bad. Wait. Wait wait wait. What if... they were ghosts THE WHOLE TIME. This makes so much more sense. Security systems wouldn't sense the ethereal plane.

This is a revelation. What if....  they were singing End of the Road TO THEMSELVES because they're GHOSTS?! My whole world is in shambles right now. What if they're Down on Bended Knee because deaths grasp cripples them and they're begging their one true love to find a way to enter the afterlife and join them.  What if It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday because yesterday they were alive... Man.  I gotta go do some major thinking on this. 

Wait. You weren't supposed to still be here.  You saw nothing. Illuminati confirmed. 

Poormet Cuisine: Pizza Bratwurst Thingies

If you're like me, you probably don't have a ton of extra money laying around for nice, classy meals, so you try to make due with what you can. I figure I'll borrow the word poormet and make some recipes and stuff.  Poor meaning... well poor and met from the end of gourmet.  I didn't make the word up apparently, but I felt amazing when I thought it up and googled it to see if I was a genius, or just late to the party.  Since I am the latter, the fireworks and balloons were cancelled...  Still!  Let's cook! 

Stuff You Will Need

Pizza Seasoned Bratwurst - 4 cost me $5, so they were $1.25 each

Jar of Marinara Sauce - Cost me $2.49 but you wont need it all

Bag o' Shredded Motz - Cost me $2.48 but I didn't use much.  Maybe 5% of the bag

Brat Buns - Cost $1.99 for 6. You might have extras

Optional Toppings

Pepperoni - Not sure how much, as I forgot to get it at the store

Bacon - $5 for a bag of salad bacon, which works great.  You'll use a tiny amount

Italian Seasoning - Nominal amount

Whatever Else you like

OK, so this is what our cutting board looks like before we start. 

First thing we do is open up those Brats and let them get to room temperature before we grill them.  Speaking of grilling, you better get outside and get that thing a-heatin'. I use a gas grill because I am both lazy, and strapped for time.  You know how I'm always on the go and have tons of friends I spend all my time with.  Uh, anyway, this is what they look like unwrapped, if you live under a bridge and haven't ever seen them before. 

As you can see, since these are 'pizza seasoned', they already have mozzarella, pepperoni, and some form of 'pizza spice' in them.  No clue what it is, but I assume it's good.  Once the grill is warm, but not too hot, throw them on it, but open it first so they don't end up on the ground. 

Cook them until they are all dark and have like juices oozing out of them and stuff.  Then toss them on your brat buns, which you've placed in a little metal pan. Looking back, I wish I had made a little garlic butter and put a layer of that on the buns before loading them up, but there's always next time.  This is what you'll end up with once the brats are bunned, if that's a word.  Then when you add marinara, sort of in the manner you'd add ketchup to a hot dog, then adding cheese and bacon and ready to hit the oven with the broiler on high.  

Give them a few minutes to really get their brown on, and once that's done, pull 'em out and enjoy.  A nice dipping sauce is a little more marinara and some garlic topped a tad bit of Parmigiano-Reggiano and Mozzarella.  Microwave that for 45 seconds or so and you're golden. 

Here's the end result. 

Working up a total cost for a family of 4 would get you about $2.19 per person for this depending on how much stuff you use. Eat it with some potato salad or Ramen noodles or something.  I don't think it really matters.  It's cheap.  I'm sure it pairs well with a high quality box wine, because everything pairs well with a high quality box wine. 

So there you have it.  Pizza Bratwurst Thingies. Well, see ya, I guess.  Go on. No, I do not have any box wine. 

Music Video Deep Dive: I Adore Mi Amor - Color Me Badd

OK.  So I got off work early today because of some training or something.  Not really sure. I wasn't paying attention, but I'll take leaving work early. Anyway, I got really bored so I started brainstorming, which means that one of two things happened.  I either thought of something really strange, or unbelievably stupid.  Here's what I came up with.  I decided to watch an old music video that was generally accepted as good from when I was a sort of kid-ish age and thought I'd re-watch it, and see how it held up and then do a quick deep dive and point out some things I saw. So I picked a video, watched it like 30 times (so you don't have to), and here is what I found.

First things first: We need to go shopping.  Get the car. We're going to Wal-Mart.  Our recipe and corresponding shopping list are below.

Color Me Badd
Great Value Brand George Michael (1 ct.)
Great Value Brand Snow (The Informer guy) (1 ct.)
Great Value Brand Rob or Fab (Milli Vanilli) (1 ct.)
Great Value Brand Kenny G (1 ct.)

Glad our shopping trip was a success!  Let's see what we came up with.

You guys are damn good shoppers.  Alright, so getting into the video, I decided on this one because I hated it the least. My only real shortcoming was that it lacked a real staple dance move in most other Color Me Badd videos, but I am not about to deprive you of the magic, so this is what you're missing elsewhere. For clarity, we can just call it "high five helicopter hands" from now on. 

With that out of the way, let the train wreck begin. If you hate yourself as much as I do, and feel like you want to follow along, or just look this over and then watch the video at the end, the link is here. So a mere 23 seconds into the actual video and 10 seconds into the song, we get something of note.

Remember this is a love song. Get sexy GV Kenny G

Notice the walking placement. Back burner it for now. It'll be important later.

Why would you stand like this?  It is neither comfortable nor practical.

...The hell is Great Value Kenny G pointing at? If I had to venture a guess, he saw an encroaching Kroger Brand Michael Bolton hell bent on an all out aquatic battle to the death, which Kenny would easily win by casting sleep in the form of any song he's ever played anywhere.  

Wait... Is this LITERALLY a porn flick?

This happened.  Take a shower break if you need one. Remember the back burner I mentioned earlier?  This is it. Use that burner to heat up some water, and throw it in your eyes to burn away this gif forever. 

Color Me Badd REALLY likes denim.

I mean, that's denim on denim. Legit. 

I mean REALLY REALLY likes denim.

Denim overalls? Check. Denim shirt with LOVE patterned into it? Check. Bring on the bitches. 

I don't think you understand. It's like denim overload in the 90's, man. 

He's wearing denim on denim while resting his actual head on a folded piece of denim. HOW IS HE NOT CHAFING?!

For some reason, this lady's boobs are unhatched critter eggs?

See?

Bargain Brand George Michael is the pants whisperer. At 3:43, they're normal. By 3:48, he had perfectly tight rolled them, and by 3:57, they were back to being normal once again. Stay away with your rape eyes and your magic pants. 

In conclusion, this is why I hate myself, but I don't hate you, which is why I did this for you. It was out of love.  My love for being helpful.  Your love of Color Me Badd. Cher's love of her life after the aforementioned. That's really all I have to say about this, but I do have one more request before I let you go. 

Please?